<-- Hot! Okay, actually, no.
Hmm, let’s discuss wetsuits for a minute here. Yes, I do realize that if we are to extend the majority of the dives we do we have to have some kind of thermal protection. But does necessity negate mockery? Not to the ever-cynical soul such as myself.
I recall thinking that wetsuits were kind of neat at one point. When I got my first wetsuit I was so pleased. I was becoming a real diver. It was a simple two millimeter shorty and it was, well, too big for me. Most things are, as it goes- a sad state for the shorter than average citizens of this society. I can’t very well talk about most, if any, of my gear in the past tense, because I am no seasoned salt myself. If I were, I would be writing informative articles. The underinformed can only make fun- the professional has something of value to add to the silence.
When I did my first open water dive at our quarry it was still a little chilly, so I was wearing part of a farmer john suit. The dive shop was out of my size as fate would have it- did they ever actually carry my size? So I had to rent something as close to it as possible. It was a men’s medium. I felt ridiculous. There was so much extra suit at the top that the shoulders were touching my ears. Yeah, someone even took pictures. So humiliating. I looked like a linebacker. I think the worst part might have been that every time I turned my head I welcomed in a whole new rush of (very) stirring water-flow. I’m sure I am not the only unfortunate newby to experience this discomfort. But when it happens to you, you feel so very alone.
Wetsuits are a real blow to the fragile female self-image. Think about it. Every curve gets flattened and there is added, oh, how many millimeters of lycra to your measurements? It doesn’t take much, does it? My current jumpsuit has the charming addition of making my waist look astoundingly larger than it actually is. Okay, I am sway backed to begin with. Yes, I do have a bit of a ghetto booty. So, the back just makes a strait shot from my bum to the top of my back. Doesn’t even pause to curve in so you can see that I actually do have a waist at all from the side! I know what you are thinking- you looked at yourself in the mirror?! Tuh, yeah! Of course I did.
I like the way manufacturers try to make women’s wetsuits look good. They put color blocks up the torso, down the hips, across the shoulders. Yes, I always liked those hip blocks. Hey, check this out, my hips are a different color from everything else. Does that make you notice them? Did I want that? Does this make my butt look… nevermind.
My favorite aspect of women’s diving are the models in the advertisements. No, you don’t look sexy in that. Stopit. They all have dry hair, big and fluffy. It is always down and flowing all over their shoulders. I dunno about you, but when I go diving, my hair is tied back in a tight pony. Typically it is so jacked up from all the salt water or just the wave action in general that I wouldn’t even consider picking up a brush unless I had at least half a bottle of conditioner invested in the procedure. Then, as if that were not bad enough, it becomes insanely frizzy. I tame my halo with a handkerchief or do rag. Biker chic diver.
Then, of course, we must recall that wetsuits flatten curves. Yep, it doesn’t matter how far you arch that back, baby, it isn’t going to work. And those poor models try so hard. And you can see it. Take it easy, honey, you are going to strain something. Perhaps that is why most gear producers do not take a second thought about women’s anatomy when they produce BCs. They know that it just won’t matter once that wetsuit is on anyway!
Well, I guess that will do for now. The high and low of it is, don’t expect to look good in a wetsuit. If you don’t want to know that you don’t look good in a wetsuit, don’t look.
